I Can See

The mother died, I had a retinal hemorrhage, the grandmother died, the opthamologist said the retinal hemorrhage could be the start of macular degeneration. 

If the retina had cracked like an old tire because I was near-sighted, the leaking blood would stop, then reabsorb.  If a blood vessel bulged through the crack because I had eye disease, well, then I would starting gettings shots in the eye.

We would have to wait and see.

Much in the last five years of my life have called me to ask "What's it all about, Alfie?" 

The threat of losing my eyesight - that one scared me.  I tried to be matter-of-fact:  If I only have a short time left with my eyesight, what do I want to have seen before it's gone?

My answer was immediate:  I have already seen everything I need to.  I would be sad go blind, but I have seen what I needed to see.

I had many hours to imagine myself in my mother's and grandmother's places as they lay in their beds dying. They had regrets. I wish for fewer.

What do I want to have done with my vision before the lights go out?  Asking myself that question produced a surprising and sad answer.  I knew immediately what I most want to have done by the time I'm in my deathbed and can do no more, or before I lose my sight.  It calls as my deepest longing.  I have not listened.  

I have new time.  I learned Friday that my eyeball sprang a leak because it's been spinning half a century.  That's it.  Could happen again, will heal again.  Not going to lose my eyesight.  Not going to lose that longing, either.  I have begun.

Top Ten Sights I Have Seen in My Beautiful Little Life

(1) My sister's baby born

The list could start and end there.

(2) Alex Edelman playing the piano

Photo:  Piotr Edelman

(3) Alisha Jones Edwards performing in a play

(4) Gargoyle at the very top of Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris

(5) Botticelli's Birth of Venus in Florence

(6) Michelangelo's David in Florence

(7) Black, wet, pointed, leafless tree limbs against a gray winter sky in Blacksburg, Virginia

(8) Virginia Woolf's handwritten manuscript for Mrs. Dalloway at the British Library

(9) The Gem Gallery at the Smithsonian Institution

(10) My cat, my cat, my cat, anytime, anywhere, never, ever again

Comments

[Lura Burnette]

In the least flippant, most sincere and serious way: thank God....or whatever force there is in the Universe...or from the good wishes of those many who love you...thank God.

[Anne Giles Clelland]

Thank you so much, Lura!